Lost Words
by Llyhael Aquila
Summary: The things I hold in my hands are droplets of time. Softly, I grasp them, forgotten memories, lost words.... KandaXOC


**Lost Words**

_**The things I hold in my hands are droplets of time**_

**_Softly, I grasp them, forgotten memories, lost words_**

_**I remember them one by one**_

_**And though I felt like I understood all them**_

_**The words faded as soon as they got near me**_

Today was another snowy day in the middle of December. The sky was as grayish as it could be; with those thick gray clouds covered it like a blanket covered a fragile, sleeping baby, shielding the earth from the sunlight. And the white snowflakes fell slowly; they gracefully made their way to the earth's embracement, painting the world with a pure white color.

In such day, Kanda Yuu, the Japanese exorcist, would stay in his room, staring dully at the lotus in an hourglass in front of his window for some reasons. It had been 20 minutes since he started to stare at the lotus in the hourglass, examining it like it was something that he had never seen before. Suddenly, he sighed. Then, he moved his gaze to his window and stared to the sky behind it. His face flashed sad expression as his eyes met the sight of the falling snow.

"It's snowing again…" he mumbled to none than himself.

Then he got up from his bed and walked to the window. He sat on the window's edge and placing his right palm on the glassy thing in front of him. As the coldness of the frozen window met his skin, a piece of memory flashed in his mind, and he could see a familiar warm smile of _that girl_. Ah, how he missed that smile so much, the smile that had haunted him since that day.

"I hate winter…" Kanda whispered softly as he closed his eyes, recalling the bitter memory.

_**An evening without an apparent answer**_

_**Flakes of warmth **_

_**Longing for something far away**_

_**I live repeating these over and over**_

_**The things I hold in my hands are droplets of time**_

_**Softly, I grasp them, forgotten memories, lost words**_

--###--

"Ilumina!!" 15 years old Kanda Yuu shouted in panic as he ran toward an unmoving body laid helplessly a few feet from him.

He ran as fast as he could to approach the dying girl, Ilumina. Horror flashed in his expression when he got a better look on her; the white snow around her had turned into deep red from her blood. This wasn't good; she lost too much blood from the open wound on her mid. Damned all the akuma for this situation!

"Shit!" he cursed under his breath, running like a mad and ignoring the crackle sounds that echoed as his foot stepped on the remainders of the akuma he had just beat.

When he finally reached at the girl, the new exorcist who was sent along with him for this mission, he found that the girl, Ilumina Ashford, was still breathing, though her breath was weak and heavy. Carefully, he swept the strands of her black hair that covering her face.

"Ilumina!" he called her name desperately, trying to keep her conscious state.

Slowly and with some efforts, Ilumina cracked her eyelids to find a blurry sight of Kanda's face. Realizing that Kanda was holding her in his arms with a worried expression, Ilumina chuckled softly.

"Oh, it's you… Kanda…. Judging from your expression, you are actually caring… for me, eh?"

Kanda's eyes widened. How the heck a dying girl still tried to mock him? Whatever! His priority right now was to bring her back to the HQ so that she could get an aid.

"Hold on, Ilumina! I'll bring you back to the HQ!" Kanda said.

Then he tried to pick her up, just to find Ilumina grabbed her arm tightly so that he couldn't take her in bridal style.

"Don't… Kanda…" she said weakly. "You know it's useless. I'll die first from blood loss before we reached at the HQ…."

For the first time since they first met four months ago, Kanda had to admit that she was right; she wouldn't make it to HQ. And Kanda really hated the fact that she was right, that she was going to die soon, very soon. Really, it left a bitter taste in his mouth to admit those facts.

The Japanese exorcist closed his eyes for a moment, trying o calm himself. "So," he spoke to the dying female in his arms, "What I have to do know?"

Ilumina smiled to him, scanning the face of the boy she had considered more than just a friend. "Just listen…. It will be the last conversation we have… Kanda…."

Kanda gritted his teeth and found he was clenching his fist. He cursed himself for could do nothing to safe his own comrade. He cursed the akuma who had wounded her so badly. He cursed Millennium Earl who had created monsters called akuma. Further more, he cursed the existence of the innocence that caused this fucking war.

When he spoke, Kanda's voice was shaky from trying to hold his anger and his sadness. "Fine…."

"Thank you…."

Slowly, the flakes of the white snow fell from sky, pouring the white droplets onto the two figures in black coat, the two exorcists, beneath the Rumania's sky. As they felt the cold flakes landed on their skins, Kanda and Ilumina looked up to the grayish sky above. Was the sky crying? What for? Did the sky now that this girl on Kanda's arm was going to die?

"Kanda…" Ilumina called her comrade's name softly.

"Hm?"

"They are… beautiful, right? The snowflakes…. So cold… yet so pure and enchanting…" she spoke weakly, her conscious was slowly slipped away from her. "They're… like you, Kanda…."

Kanda landed his gaze back on Ilumina's weak figure. He looked into her gray eyes with the mixture of sad, worried, angry, and questioning look.

"Me?"

Ilumina chuckled, "Yes you…. You're just as cold and as beautiful as them…."

"…Oh…."

"Kanda…" Ilumina called him again.

"What?"

"I'm sorry…"

Kanda furrowed his eyebrows. Why the heck did she say 'I'm sorry' to him? If there was someone who would say sorry, it was he himself. He was the one who couldn't protect his comrade after all. And honestly, her apology was sickening him, it made him felt worse, he felt so useless, so badass.

"What's that for?" Kanda asked.

"For being such a burden… in this mission…" she retorted sadly. "Sorry because I can't even protect myself…."

Once again, Kanda closed his eyes tightly and gritted his teeth. His fists were clenching so tight, causing his knuckles turned white. The guilty, anger, and sadness spread over his body, and he could feel his chest was burning, as well as his eyes.

"No. It's my fault, my fault to let you, a new exorcist fight against two high level akuma just by yourself. It's my fault to come late to safe you."

"No, Kanda, it's—"

Ilumina's words were cut off by her cough. Oh god, she coughed blood. She knew it; her time was almost ending. She felt her numb grew worse and the cold embraced her tighter. The time was tickling her, trying to steal her breath along with her consciousness. This was the last chance she had; the last chance to say her feelings toward the certain samurai she met four months ago. Yes, if she had confessed her feelings, she might be able to go peacefully.

"Ilumina!" Kanda looked at her with horror held in his dark orbs.

"Ugh…" Ilumina swallowed hardly, trying to prevent the blood cough. "Kanda… please listen… this is the last chance I have to say it…"

"Ilumina… you—"

"Please listen, Kanda!" she said before coughed more blood.

After she managed to stop the coughing for a while, she took a deep breath painfully. "Kanda… I just want you to know that I don't regret my life; being an exorcist…" she said weakly, even her voice was starting to drift away from her throat. "Really… I'm happy I could find a new family in the HQ… and I could meet you. I love… you…."

Then, everything was silence. Her breath stopped, Kanda could feel it. Her eyes slowly closed, driving her soul into the eternity sleep. So, there was her end, Ilumina's end. She had gone, leaving the boy she loved in the falling snow, alone.

Kanda closed his eyes, slowly embracing Ilumina's lifeless body, just to feel no heartbeat and no warmth in the dull body of her.

He hated her for leaving right after confessing her feeling like a moron, he hated the snow that was dancing around them, and he hated the coldness of the snow and her body. He hated the painful feeling cried inside his chest; he felt so sick and so weak, like he was stabbed right on in his heart.

"I hate winter…" Kanda murmured softly in bitterness.

--###--

_**I want to grasp all of your thoughts before they cool**_

_**As "people", we still can't share that feeling**_

_**The meaning your words give**_

_**The feelings with no comparison**_

_**Emotions with no answer**_

_**If only we could communicate by meeting eye to eye**_

"Kanda!"

The Japanese teen spun around when someone called his name, finding the white haired exorcist stood behind him.

"What do you want, Moyashi?" Kanda asked dryly, slightly annoyed.

The white-headed exorcist, Allen Walker, frowned. "My name's Allen!"

"Whatever."

Then there was an awkward silence settled between the two exorcists. Both of them were just staring at the sky, at the falling snow.

"Say, Kanda," Allen spoke first, "what are you doing out here when it was snowy like this? I thought you don't like snow."

"No, I don't."

Allen raised an eyebrow, "So, what are you doing here?"

Kanda rolled his eyes to the younger exorcist and glared at him with his coldest glare, "Go away, Moyashi!"

Allen twitched slightly. Then he turned his back and walked away from the Japanese, grumbling about he being so stupid to ask the certain Japanese what he was doing.

Ignoring Allen's soft grumble, Kanda paid his attention back to the grayish sky that kept pouring the cold, white flakes of the snow onto the earth.

Nobody knew about his special ritual in the falling snow like this, and nobody needed to know anyway. It was his ritual, his only way to express how he missed Ilumina Ashford so damn much that could make he sick of himself. Yes, he cursed the snow, he cursed the winter, blaming them like it was their fault that Ilumina wasn't with him right now; he blamed them for still existing after the death of the girl he actually loved. Yes, few weeks after her death, Kanda finally realized that he loved Ilumina, the girl with warm smile he had longing for so long, just as much as she loved him.

But he knew the very painful fact already: it was too late. Ilumina Ashford had gone; he had lost her.

_**The things I hold in my hands are droplets of time**_

_**Softly, I grasp them, forgotten memories, lost words**_

_**I'll keep these feelings in my heart**_

_**I've lost them….**_

--THE END--

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_**A/N:**__ Fwaaahhh!!! I finally finished this! Phew! It was really hard to write this one. I don't know why, but I always find some difficulties to write about Kanda, though he's my favorite character in DGM. Euh… and right now, I'm in a mood of angst. Hahaha… _n_n;

_In this fic, the girl, Ilumina was a new exorcist; he became an exorcist just four months before her death. And when she met Kanda for the first time, she knew she had fell for him. Meanwhile, Kanda being Kanda, he just slightly annoyed with the newbie because he thought she was weak. But slowly, he felt comfort around her. Oh yes, he felt 'something' for her, which he finally realized that 'something' he felt for her, was indeed love._

_**Disclaimer:**__ I don't own -Man, Hoshino Katsura-sensei does. (Though I do hope I own Kanda. Hehehe… _;D_)_

_Anyway, I'm waiting for your reviews! I'd really like to hear your opinion about this fic, and I'd be very happy if you can give me some advices to improve my writing!_

**Thank you for reading! n_n**


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